Tips for a Happy Married Life

Disclaimer: Whatever I say in this blog is from personal experience only and may or may not work in your situation. I do not claim to be any kind of expert on marriage. I am just sharing what has worked for me, nothing more nothing less.

There is nothing more hazardous than traversing the twists and turns of married life, and emerging, I wouldn’t say “unscathed” exactly but let us say relatively scar free. After five years of married life, I consider myself a “pro” and while I made many mistakes and continue to make them, I believe that each one teaches me something. Marriage is a huge adventure as well as a gamble, and a lot of effort has to go in to make it work.

Tip #1: The Power of Silence

If you are an outspoken person like me, it will take you some time to master this and if you feel I am talking nonsense, believe me, that is what I thought at first when people used to tell me not to react to something annoying. Now, I know that if you can exercise the self-control and stay quiet, it diffuses many a volatile situation. You can always address the issue later when tempers are calmer.

Tip #2: Enjoy your Differences

I made the mistake of thinking my husband would be a carbon copy of me at the beginning. So when he and I disagreed on something or he did something that fell outside my idea of how a marriage should be, I would be greatly disappointed. I don’t know when the thing clicked in my mind, but somewhere along the line I realized that it is our differences that make us work as a couple. For example, I am thrifty while he loves to spend. So, we do manage to save some money while spending on important things. If both of us were thrifty, nothing would ever be bought in our household. So if your husband or wife is your opposite, remember that makes life more interesting.

Tip #3: Break the Mold

There is no rule as to what makes couples work and what does not, no matter what the life lesson gurus say. People can do “couple” things for years and then still break up. So there is nothing wrong with being an unconventional couple. My husband loves to cook and does it regularly. On the other hand, I cook stuff very rarely and I have my own niche dishes I like to make. I strongly dislike the idea that because I am a woman I have to be tied to the stove. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I were.

Tip #4: Blend into the Family

In an Indian marriage, you do not marry the guy or girl – you marry the entire family. So if you are predisposed to dislike your in-laws it just adds to the tension. Also, having them on your side will work in your favor – this is a hundred percent true. I get along well with my husband’s family and extended family and I feel it has only helped build the relationship he and I share.

Tip #5: Space is all Important

Being a couple does not mean you have to be in each other’s pockets all the time. It is all about quality time. Also, finding your own thing to do and your own friends is healthy for you, your marriage, and your spouse. Having a hobby or two also helps immensely. My husband loves photography and cooking and I love to dance and write. I believe that these have helped us in the way we interact with each other.

Tip #6: Stand your Ground

While I am a great advocate of “silence” it does not mean that you give in to everything your spouse says or wants. If something is really important to you, fight for it – be it your career or that friend whom the spouse dislikes or an activity that is frowned upon or even the way you dress. While compromise definitely makes a relationship work, too much of it and you will end up sacrificing important things and being unhappy which is something we do not want.

Life is uncertain and marriage even more so. You never know what is around the corner but what you can do, is enjoy the moment, and be there for the person you love. I hope that these tips can help you as they have helped me. And lastly, I would like to propose a toast to my husband with whom there is never a dull moment – he has made marriage more exciting than the wildest roller coaster ride for me! J

Ma Chole Gelen – The Mother Who Left

In her life she faced many demons – won many battles and was battle scarred at the end. She, who was pampered by her father, learnt new things when she went to her husband’s house.  She had enormous foresight and an extraordinary ESP which I attribute to her third eye – a legacy from her husband, the creator of the cosmos. And of course, as the mother, she ensured that her child had the best she could give. She was the best fighter and mother this world has ever seen….

Am I talking about the Goddess Durga? I am, but I am also talking about a lady they named after Draupadi – they called her Krishna. And Krishna is the mother who left. Not this year but three years back. The Goddess Durga returns every year, but Krishna returns to me only in my dreams and memories.

Today when I saw the Goddess on a truck on her way to being immersed in the holy Ganges, it struck a chord somewhere within me. Because Krishna’s ashes also were immersed in the Ganges by her only daughter!

And when with renewed hope we wait anxiously for the  Goddess to return to us next year, I wait with bated breath to see her again – the lady with the million dollar smile and the kindest of hearts – Ma.

Ma chole gelen, she left but she remains with me in every moment that I breathe and live...

The Blind Belief in "God-Men"...

India is one of the most ancient countries in the world, with a rich culture and spiritual heritage. It is the land of Ram and Krishna, and of Gautam Buddha as well as of Shirdi Sai Baba and Ramkrishna Paramahansa. India has always had great spiritual personalities showing people the right way. With our deities and our “God-men” – a term I first heard a colleague mention during a coffee break at work, we have always looked up to someone as mentors and “Gurus”.

Religion is important to us as a race. Different people belong to different religions and we are chockful of worship rituals and the rights and wrongs of the correct way to practice. A few days back, Ram Rahim’s arrest and subsequent news began to make me think. It brought the movies PK and Oh my God, to mind, where the blind belief people have in all sorts of holy God-men has been shown with great effect on celluloid. We feel that we cannot communicate with God directly, and we must have a middle man to show us what to do and think. How could not one, not two, but five crore people have been hoodwinked by this Guru Ram Rahim? What is the phenomenon that makes them lose all common sense and follow a corrupt person, whom they believe will have all the answers to their problems?

It all stems down to people wanting ready answers and looking for quick fixes to the bumps that life deals you. Unfortunately, there is no instant solution, no matter which Guru you believe in. The answer lies within yourself, and if you feel spiritual inclinations, at least avoid the evidently false sages and sanyasis and go for the real deal. How will you judge that? A good dollop of common sense and caution always helps. No holy person will ever demand huge donations from you or try to get your womenfolk alone into a room. People who have left the “sansar”(domestic life) shun all kinds of material attachments and a life of luxury will definitely not be their preference. Also, such people don’t want to come into the public glare and prefer to remain anonymous. So spare yourself the megalomaniacs and self-styled religious leaders and if you feel able to, open your mind to the higher powers beyond. You don’t need a conduit for that!

The Modern Marriage

What a strange world we live in today! When I observe people around me, especially married couples, I realise how the dynamics of a couple’s relationship have changed. I particularly find that the meaning of the word “fidelity” means very different things for different people. In fact, it seems to be the most unfashionable term! And I am sorry to say that social media and  various chat apps like Facebook and WhatsApp have encouraged philanderers and given them a wide field to play in.
It is so easy to pretend you are talking to a friend or a colleague, while in reality the person concerned is having a gala online affair, fooling his or her spouse. Another syndrome, which I will name the “bored wife” syndrome, is a particular set of women, who have been married for quite some years and have become bored with their husbands. These women take incessant photographs of themselves, often scantily clad and then troll the online world in search of some kind of sexual excitement. To them, flirting and then having sex chats with somebody else's husband means nothing wrong. And they always manage to find a man, who cries, “my wife does not understand me” and then engage in all kinds of lewd acts with this man, never sparing a thought to their respective spouses. Like I always say, women need to respect their own sex first before screaming “women’s Lib”. I think that these people genuinely believe they are doing nothing wrong by cheating on their partners with their online lovers. They exchange nude or semi-nude photos and if feasible, meet their lovers and take it one step ahead.
Working couples do not find the time to be with each other, but can spend hours chatting with virtual strangers online and that is what they prefer to having a real conversation with the person you pledged to love for the rest of your life! A friend used to tell me that human beings are polygamous by nature, and it is society that has forced them into monogamy, which is why the natural tendency is towards polygamy. My point is, if you do not want to be faithful to one person, then skip the marriage farce, or if you have outgrown your partner, have the courage to end the relationship and move on. That would be more honest than staying married and playing the field at the same time!
I feel out of place when I see this kind of activity around me and it has seriously made me wonder if what I understand by “fidelity” or “loyalty” has flown out of the window nowadays?

"Pink" in my life

I have written a number of blog posts on feminism and am on a path of self-realization, slowly beginning to understand, that I feel strongly about my fellow sisters. Today, when I went to see the movie “Pink” and could identify with so many situations shown in the movie, I felt that it is the right time to share some of my own life experiences…

I started out life as a very protected only child of two middle-aged parents, who doted on me. Being slightly ahead of their times, they brought me up to believe in myself and never was I made to feel inferior to any boy. My parents wanted to bring me up well, and they did their utmost towards that end. Whether they were successful or not, is a different matter altogether.

Anyway, life took a different turn for me, when Babi passed away in my first year of college. My mother was a strong woman who took charge of my destiny and made sure that I never strayed too far from what is right. But how much can a mother protect her 20 year old daughter? Newly discovering boys, I met some who took advantage of my naiveté. I was of course, equally to blame, as I threw all caution to the winds, and thought that I knew how to handle everything.

Anyway, I did escape with nothing but minor scars, though at the time, I felt my life was over, just because the boy I had a crush on, showed no interest in me. During that phase, I remember arguing with my mother about my curfew time, asking her why she thought that character and the time of day had anything to do with each other. “Pink” had a similar dialog by Mr. Bachchan. Of course, my mother brushed aside all my logic and insisted that I do not stay out late.

The years passed, and our lives started to mend from the tear left behind by my father’s passing. I graduated from a pig-tailed college kid to a young nervous lady starting her first job. I was so very green and so very humiliated when my boss got a fellow colleague to give me the message to dress more “smartly”. Almost in tears, I came home from office, and Ma bought me two dresses she could ill-afford – all for me to look the part of the corporate lady. I think I still do not look that part.

During my years of trying to find a better paying stable job, I attended many weird interviews. Notable among those is one, where I landed up for an interview to a place, I thought was an office, but was actually someone’s home. This Mr. BusinessMan then proceeded to ask me to work for him without remuneration, and then kept calling my home, when I did not take him up on his offer. Looking back, I feel I had a narrow escape from that shabby, dim apartment, where he could have murdered me without anyone finding my body for days, had he been so inclined.

Another incident was when my new boss at another job, put his feet up on the handle of the chair I was sitting on and told me how my predecessor had never minded him doing so. His eyes made me so uncomfortable by the way he looked at me, that I quit that job within a week.

The subsequent years saw me living my life like a man. As I gained confidence, my way of dressing and talking and interacting began a slow process of change. I was not answerable to anyone at home. My mother allowed me a little more liberty than during my college years, and I chose to use that to flatly refuse to be the “good Bengali girl” who got married at 22, and have two kids.

I worked for the most part, but I found time to have fun too. My curfew times had been lifted and Ma no longer said anything much if I got late. All she expected was for me to inform her where I was and whom I was with.

Then came my stint of onsite trips to US, where again I found a different flavor of life. My way of dressing and presentation changed and became a little bolder. When I returned after two years, my project manager got a team mate to tell me to dress differently. All because I had worn a deep necked top, to which I had fastened a safety pin. However, she still felt that it was inappropriate.

So now, I was quite a scarlet woman – a woman in her early thirties without the “respectability” of a husband. A woman who dressed in fitting westerns and drove her own car – people stared at me all the while. Speculation about my finances was rife in my neighborhood and in my social circle.

Today, at 40, I am a wife and daughter-in-law and am very much a part of a traditional family. Now in all my wisdom, when I retrospect and remember the mistakes and the high points, I feel I have experienced life through all the good and bad situations I went through. Watching “Pink” I felt that the three girls, in the movie, were reflections of all modern women, who are misunderstood and whose actions are misconstrued for the worst by the so-called “respectable” people.

Wake up people! We are living in the twenty-first century. Women are not objects and you have no right to judge their dress sense or lifestyle choices! Fellow women, we must stand up for each other and show the world that without “pink” in the colors of dawn and dusk, no sunrise or sunset is complete..

A Tribute to my Upline - Part IV

Once again, it was a complete family. Bijoy and Sova, Krishna, Milan, and Indrani and of course, Kaveri. Four years passed by like this. In 1979, Bijoy woke up one morning and taught his little granddaughter how to count from one to ten. Those were the last words he spoke to anyone.

It was the end of an era. An orphan at an early age, a freedom fighter, a finance professional, and a loving father and human being had passed away leaving behind his bereft family. For Sova, the lynchpin of her existence was gone.

Krishna and her mother were shocked when Debu did not come down for his father’s funeral and it was increasingly difficult to get in touch with him. That year was a dark one for this family. Financially things were not very good. They only had Sova’s widow pension and Milan’s earnings from his job as lecturer of Acharya Prafulla Chandra Roy Polytechnic.

Sova was also worried about Kaveri. For the first time she thought about what would happen after she was gone and realized that Kaveri would be dependent on Krishna. Debu showed no inclination of taking any kind of responsibility for his widowed stepmother or his sisters.

She grieved for her husband and for her children, who had tough lives ahead of them. Sova had dedicated herself so whole heartedly to looking after Bijoy, that now there was a huge emptiness in her. She filled this emptiness by spending most of her time with her four-year old granddaughter Thoko aka Nana aka Indrani.

Sova's Last Photo - Diwali 1979

She told stories to Thoko, taught her to play sa re ga ma on the harmonium, and taught her the basics of drawing. Thoko loved her granny and would run to her, whenever Krishna tried to slap her for some naughtiness.

Two incidents come to mind; one night, Thoko threw a tantrum. She wanted a pair of squeaky shoes right then. Krishna refused outright to entertain this kind of behavior but Sova picked up the little crying girl and walked off to Gariahat. The shops had closed by then. Sova woke up the sleeping shopkeeper and bought Thoko her coveted shoes.

The second incident was a daily one, wherein the moment Sova started chewing a pan after lunch, Thoko would force her mouth open, and take the half chewed pan out of her mouth and eat it herself. That was how close the two of them were.

However, Sova had neglected her own health most of her life. In Yangon, she would eat her meals after serving everyone in that huge house. Often if a guest came before she ate, she would give away her own food and go without. All this took a toll on her health.

A year after Bijoy’s passing, Sova was diagnosed with an advanced stage of stomach cancer. Krishna was devastated. She and Milan did all they could. Once again, Debu was not around to support.

Instead, Sova’s brother Shyamaprasad Das and his wife, Sikta Das, were a source of immense support to Krishna.

In the April of 1980, after suffering for 21 days in a small nursing home, Sova Bose breathed her last. Before she went into a coma, she saw a hallucination of Debu and his wife coming to visit her. Her last words were for her son, not her daughters. Sova had dedicated her life to Bijoy and Debu to the exclusion of almost everything else.

I still remember my father picking me up from school and taking me to the nursing home. He bought me a chocolate and did not mention that granny was no more. When I walked into the crowded room, and saw granny lying on the bed, I instinctively knew that she was in heaven. People were impressed when a five year old walked up to her grandmother and touched her feet, without anyone prompting her to.

Sova – daughter, wife, sister, mother and a brilliant culinary artist was no more. She had passed away leaving behind her two daughters, son-in-law, and me. I love you Dida and always will. Everyday I feel your love in my life and I hope I have lived up to your dreams for me.

This sums up her life for you all. Hope you liked what I shared about a woman who was unique. 

A Tribute to my Upline – Part III

The Bose family had a good life in Yangon. Kaveri was growing up fast and was a lovely baby. She loved cats and would get up to all sorts of mischief. An incident stands out in my mind. A Bengali couple had come for tea one afternoon. Sova was in the midst of making her famous chanar jilipis. Now, the jilipis were numbered for another event later. So, Sova served tea and some other refreshments to the visiting couple. Suddenly, Kaveri, who was playing nearby, ran up with two small teapoys which she set in front of the guests. Then she ran off again. A minute later, she came back with two glasses of water. Then again, she ran off and came back with two plates on which there were fresh jilipis.

After that she went back to her playing. Sova was dumbstruck while the couple who guessed that these had not been meant for them, chuckled and said, “Thairen! So you did not want to give us. But your daughter did! Haahhahhaa!” Sova had no choice but to smile and bear it...

That was Kaveri for you. Unusually generous and selfless, she loved almost everyone she met. Most of all she loved her big sister, Krishna, whom she worshipped.

By this time, Debu had completed his MBBS degree and Bijoy decided to send him to London to do his MRCP in medicine. Debu left for London amidst much fanfare. A couple of years later, in 1959, Bijoy retired from Burmese Government Service. He was a true patriot, who was determined to come back to India as soon as he retired. Krishna tried to convince her father not to move back, as they had a good life in Yangon. However, Bijoy was adamant. "My country, right or wrong!" was his response. So, in 1959, the four of them flew back to Kolkata, renting a house on Suren Tagore Road in South Kolkata.

It was possibly the worst decision of Bijoy’s life. His children who had known a good time in Burma were miserable in Kolkata. His health, after ignoring it for many years, started to fail. He took a job as a consultant in Raymond Industries but they never could get back the splendor of the days in Yangon. Sova was happy to be back near her family, who had by then moved to Kolkata from Dhaka. She would help them out in anyway she could, her mother and her younger siblings. She had a brother who was exactly Debu’s age and six years older to Krishna. His name was Shyamaprasad Das and he became great friends with his nieces.

Two years later, in 1961, Bijoy became totally bedridden with ventricular malfunctions and Sova tied herself to his bedside to become his nurse and attendant. Krishna was studying for  a Master’s Degree in Bengali from Calcutta University and Kaveri was going to South Point school. However, she suffered diptheria and thereafter, could not really keep up with the pace at school. So, Sova admitted her to Kamala Chatterjee School. Actually she had learning disabilities, which the educators of that time, could not diagnose and Kaveri never completed school finally.

Bijoy and Sova had helped people all their lives but sadly enough, very few ones came to help them in their time of need. In 1961, they moved to a smaller house in Ballygunge Gardens as Bijoy’s income had dried up. Debu did not do his MRCP, instead did an alternate degree and became a doctor in England.

Unbeknownst to anyone in Kolkata, he had fallen in love with this aunt Bela’s cousin and wanted to marry her. Debu had grown up to be a popular guy, and despite his rough start in life, he was an achiever.

Mr. and Mrs. Bose were aghast when Debu told them that he wanted to marry this lady. In their view, an aunt’s sister is also an aunt. It was Krishna, who convinced them to accept this liasion. Finally they did, and Deb married, taking his wife back with him to Wolverhamption near London.

Krishna completed her Masters and urged her parents to find a groom for her. She had not had any serious relationship, but she realized it was important to get married. From a newspaper ad, they connected with Chittaranjan Ghosh and Shanti Bala Ghosh of Behala. This couple were looking for a bride for their eldest son, Milan Ranjan Ghosh.

Sova asked Krishna many times, whether she would be able to adjust in a joint family. The Ghoshes had eleven children, two of whom had died in infancy. Krishna however, was determined to marry here as she had made friends with the youngest Ghosh daughter, Tapasri. A weird reason but I guess destiny has its own logic.

In 1966, Milan and Krishna got married. Sova gifted most of her heavy pieces of jewelry to Krishna. Debu did not bother to come down for his sister’s wedding nor did he send a gift. He had his own life with his wife and he had grown rather distant.

Sova had loved Debu for many years as a son. However, Debu after growing up would often insult his father, showing anger at the fact that his father had married again. He never expressed his gratitude to the woman who had saved him from a life of servitude. Bijoy and Sova were disappointed in their son. Then soon after, Krishna, left her in-laws house and moved back with them. She had not been able to adjust to life with the Ghoshes and her main reason was that Milan was not respected in his own house.

Sova was a conservative lady and this was not the ideal turn of events. However, she took it in her stride and when a few months later, Milan came to live with them as well, she genuinely grew fond of her son-in-law. Debu and Protima had two children, Keya and Protip and would visit India once in 5 years, playing the snooty NRIs to the hilt. In 1973, Krishna became pregnant but the baby died the day he was born due to CNS failure. Krishna became severely depressed as a result. She came out of this dark phase, only after she conceived again in 1974, giving birth to a daughter, Indrani in the winter of 1975.

Sova and Bijoy with Indrani

Sova loved her tiny grandaughter with all her heart and showered affection on her. She had journeyed from a young girl to wife, to mother, and now she was a grandmother. All the love that she had not been able to show Bijoy or Krishna or even Kaveri, overflowed onto Indrani, whom she called “Thoko” with affection.

Her day was divided between attending to her husband and caring for her grandaughter. The Boses and Ghoshes had managed to turn things around. To read more about Sova’s life, wait for my next blog post!

To be Continued…