The Third Set

I don't really want to become the Danielle Steele of the blogging world but somehow as I go through various stages of this interesting process called life, my blogs are becoming a little mushy. So I apologize ahead of time for this one.

Sometimes I think that my situation is a unique one but I am sure many of you out there have been in or are in similar situations. 

And now enough with the prologue, let me jump right into what I want to write about...my third set of parents. Most people usually have two sets, the ones they are born to and the ones they marry into. Nothing in my life has followed the conventional route, so I have three sets to boast about. :)

If you are curious about the second set, let me brief you about a German couple who were friends with my father long before he was married or became a parent. Years after, one letter triggered a parent-child relationship between a six year old me and them which continued till 2006, when Uncle Heinz passed away. I honestly think this story requires a separate blog, so I am moving on to my third set.

Rudra gifted me with a third set of parents right before my single parent passed away. Baba and Mamoni, in the short time that Rudra and I have been married and even before that have accepted me whole heartedly with all my shortcomings. Rare are the people who act as parents for their prospective daughter in law and ensure that her marriage ceremony is everything it should be. To be fair to my relatives they did turn up, brought expensive gifts and supported me in the ways they could. What floored me however was the way my parents in law welcomed me into their family with open arms  without any qualms.

In this one and a half years, they have pampered me, stood like a shield between me and Rudra when we fight and unconditionally supported me. Here I must mention my sister in law and her husband who do the same. They also scold me when I I do things wrong, just like my parents would. Rudra is someone whom I love and so do they. He is the pivot on which this piece of pottery is taking shape. However, I believe it is my parents in laws' loving hands who will finally turn it into a masterpiece of love and beautiful memories. Blessed - that's what I am....

My Extra Marital Affair

And this is where I reveal it all.. So prepare to be scandalized as you read on. Early on in my childhood, I had a severe crush on Bharata Natyam. My parents indulged my crush and actively encouraged me to pursue Bharata, sometimes even allowing me to neglect my studies. Bharata was such a possessive boyfriend in my teenage years that I had no other romantic entanglements during that period from teenage to early twenties. Bharata grew from being a crush to becoming a passion and then a lifelong obsession. The sharp edge of the feeling has dulled but always in the back of my mind, is the presence of my first love.

Life never works out the way you plan it – or at least not for everyone. So despite Bharata being my one and only true love, I took the practical decision of getting married to Corporate Job. Arranged marriages often end up being more lovey-dovey than love marriages. God graced me with this blessing. There was that period of awkwardness when I still had Bharata too much on my mind, but Corporate Job was pretty patient. He never gave up. He cared for me and my mother and fulfilled all my dreams of travelling abroad, being financially secure, owning assets and so on. How could I not love such a guy? We settled into a staid marriage and I thought he was my partner for life.

Fate was laughing at me, I am sure. For who would have thought, dull boring Indrani would ever indulge in an extra marital affair while being a respectable married woman? And this time the guy had a human persona – Best Husband and Friend. Would wonders ever cease? I met him and forgot that I was a loyal wife to Corporate Job. We rushed into a whirlwind affair and then as is the case with love mutually felt, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Therein lay the dilemma. Corporate Job did not merit this desertion. My wild fling wanted me to be a full time partner. How would I ever choose? I took the easy way out. I continued in my marriage while spending every free moment with my guy. And today I have to admit, that my first and only priority is my guy. Corporate Job is something that is slowly losing importance with me, and spending time with BHF is all I think about! What will happen to me?

Freedom of Spirit

Last year I wrote a blog about how the Indian culture was changing. Maybe because of the grey hairs that have appeared on my head since or the fourth decade of my life bringing added maturity I have been thinking a lot about an individual’s freedom to be the way he or she wants to be. Today morning, I was in my favorite place, the Dhakuria lake, when I saw a young teenage girl belonging to a rowing club jogging in shorts and a T-shirt. To me, she looked like the picture of good health and fitness, very attractive in fact. A little distance behind her, a lady in her sixties wearing a saree and sneakers (a ridiculous combination, if you ask me) was staring at this girl with arched eyebrows and a very evident look of disapproval. I surmised the shorts were what had earned the girl “the look”. 

I am ashamed to say that many a time I have caught myself staring at a girl who smokes or does something that does not fit into my idea of how a woman should be.  Nowadays, I have the good grace to scold myself mentally whenever I get such a thought. But when I look around I realize that in spite of all the talk about “women empowerment” and “international women’s day”, a woman’s place in society is still under question.

I was not brought up to be a feminist and I abhor the term. In many ways I am extremely conventional and traditional in my thinking. The height of my ambition when I was young, was to grow up, meet a boy, get married, have kids and have a decent job, not necessarily in that order. Fate of course threw that little plan to the winds. I dislike talking about my struggles so I will not elaborate on that. 

What I observe around me is that the son-in-law is still special and deserves special treatment. Rules for daughters and daughters-in-law are still subtly different, though of course people would go blue in the face denying it. At work, women do certain kinds of jobs well and fail at others – this is the general impression. Women are still judged by the way they cook and clean, no matter how hard they work as a professional, and yes, women themselves are the harshest judges when it comes to judging other women. If that is the case, we cannot really blame men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen. What women need to do is to respect themselves first in all the various shapes and sizes they come in. And that my friends, is the thought I want to leave you with this Saturday morning.

The Changing Face of Youth

My parents and my convent background inculcated into me a set of values, which today as I fast approach middle age and look around the society today, I realize do not hold any kind of meaning to today’s generation X or Y or whatever they choose to call themselves.  Growing up, I had my period of being the rebellious teenager and getting up to all kinds of mischief, which if my parents ever came to know, would land me into serious trouble. I remember the colossal row I got from my mother, when one Diwali I chose to go out with some boys and returned after midnight.

However, whatever I did or did not do, there was always this invisible boundary line that I never crossed. I like to think that it was due largely to the way my parents brought me up and a small part due to my own personality and disdain for cheap behavior. A few months back, I saw something that pulled me up short on the streets of Kolkata. A young couple, probably not more than 19 or 20 years, sitting in a hand pulled rickshaw. The girl was sitting on the boy’s lap, the hood of the rickshaw was thrown back and they were openly smooching. Despite myself, I stared at this sight. Often, riding shuttles with couples I have felt uncomfortable at the way they blatantly go ahead with their PDA. It does not embarrass them but it embarrasses the hell out of me and I am sure out of many a person whose paths they cross.

The other thing I notice is the skin show. Young girls today want to wear as little as possible. Diaphanous tops with no or little underwear and skirts or shorts that end only an inch below the crotch are worn with an air of nonchalance. Even at work, people turn up wearing clothes that make you want to close your eyes in shame.  The saree, our traditional Indian garment can be worn in many ways and I personally feel that it is an extremely sensual garment – in the way it covers yet provides glimpses of female curves.  Today’s young crowd disdains the saree as sadly out of fashion. If at all they wear it once in a blue moon, it is draped to show off as much of female assets as possible with backless or strapless cholis, leaving little to the imagination. When I wear sarees to work, I see the looks I get from my colleagues which clearly say “What a dinosaur!”  This year and the last, during the pujas I found girls roaming about wearing cocktail dresses and micro minis. Durga Puja  – one of the biggest Indian festivals and people choose to wear dresses that are in no way a part of the Indian culture or tradition.

Dress sense is something entirely personal and so also is the fact of how I choose to behave with my partner in public, I guess. What worries me from all that I see around is what kind of values do these youngsters hold? They are the future of India, the ones who will take India to the next level. But their attitude and behavior do not instill a sense of pride or confidence in me. I don’t know whether I sound like a crotchety old lady, but I honestly think that the young folks and their parents should take a step back and evaluate the way they are leading their lives. Instead of short skirts and PDA, why not focus on maintaining and nurturing our culture that makes us Indians unique in this world?

As a Bengali, Durga Puja is something inherent in my life. The sound of the dhak, new clothes, the huge pandals and crowds everywhere - all this never gets old. The sense of anticipation before the Pujas, the great times with family and friends, the scrumptious food consumed, is something I look forward to every year! DUring my years in the US, I made sure that I found out where a Durga Puja was being organized and turned up there - often ending up a little disappointed as nothing compares with how Kolkata does the Pujas.

Many Bengalis do not like to be in the city during the Pujas. Some turn up their nose at pandal-hopping! I am not one of those! I am a trueblooded Bong in this sense, that I want to experience everything the Puja offers. In the recent years, since my mother fell ill, there have been times, when I have spent the entire five days at home or worked till Ashtami and then spent the last two days at home moping about. I would not feel like going anywhere much or meeting anyone. But I could not shut out the sounds of enjoyment entirely. I would sit in my bedroom with a book or watch a movie - but my attention would be towards the people milling about outside. Inevitably, a sigh would escape! Then a couple of years back I decided, to hell with it. I would enjoy myself to the fullest and that is what I did.

This year Durga PUja will be different for me. This is my first Puja after marriage and I will take part in things in a way I have not done before as a single lady. So, the sense of anticipation is also different. What I have come to realize over these years is that, far more important than pandal hopping or lot of expensive clothes and jewelry or expansive food menus (though I consider these very important as well), is having family with you. It does not matter if you have a small family or a large one, spending time with them is what counts.

So my friends, amongst all your busy work schedules and demands of your social circle, please do spend time with your loved ones and make this Puja a memorable one..